Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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