I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
