Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
