i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Randomize
