I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
