You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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