If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
