New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
not ubering you a puppy
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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