I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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