i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
