Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
