pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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