I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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