He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
