john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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