it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
