Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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