I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
