Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Randomize
