so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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