it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
In America we eat man semen.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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