one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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