Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
