The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
