If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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