You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
