i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
