dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
