could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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