We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
