I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
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