My friends, they love my intelligence
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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