tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
