As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize