Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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