I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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