nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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