It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
