Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
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