So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie