smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
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If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
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I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?