I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I checked into jail on foursquare
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.