Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You are the jesus of drinking
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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