I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I have already put on my inside pants.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
