tell your sister to shave her snatch
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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