i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
