i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
