i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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