why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
