I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
