I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
