I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
