tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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