what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
