why didn't you poke me back
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
