I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
