It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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