I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
