How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
