She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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