Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
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I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
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How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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