I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
