my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
