I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
