My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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