Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
