dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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